growingbaby

There was no heartbeat at the ultrasound today. The baby measured 7 weeks 6 days (should have been 8 weeks 3 days) and the sac measured 7 weeks 0 days (From 6 weeks 3 days). This is kind of odd, because it means the sac must have grown fairly quickly as it grew 4 days and so did the baby. I don't know if the sac continues to grow. (The sac was 6 days off last time too, though.) I am currently feeling slightly crampy, but that's usually how I feel after the vaginal ultrasound. They really move that thing around to get my ovaries and she was a little more aggressive looking for a heartbeat than usual.

They did a secondary test during the ultrasound that was pretty cool. It shows blood flow in red/orange. Then they can bump it up a notch and some blue and yellow pop in. There was no blood flow in the baby at all. I had thought about pushing for an extra ultrasound before the surgery but the doctor really saw no need for it. She asked if it would make me feel better and in reality maybe a bit.. but I dunno. I didn't want to have to walk to her office then drive over to the surgery building. That sounds terrible, eh?

I have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow. This way we can do some chromosomal testing. She wants to do some blood work up to test for other stuff at my check up appointment after the D&C.

I have so many conflicting emotions. I am partly relieved because I had starting worrying about having a child with severe disabilities or something because of the growth rate. Then there's the guilt for feeling that way. I suppose no emotion is really wrong.. but still.

I am trying to look at the positives. My first pregnancy was not a fluke, I can get pregnant again. We will see if there's something wrong and try and fix it. I still have a sneaking suspicion that I have a short luteal phase.

I am fearful of not waking up from 'the procedure'. The term makes me laugh almost anytime someone says it. Oh hai, inappropriate laughter. heh. It's the same fear I had last time.

I may be off the radar for a bit.... but try not to worry too much. I will survive.

Now I get to compare an emergency D&C versus a planned one. Oh, the places you'll go. Dr Seuss had NO idea.

So, I've had the queasies here and there, but nothing like what happened last night. Hubby mentioned something about having chocolate milk and lasagna and I really thought I was going to spew. I told him not to say that again.

I went over to put the left over lasagna in the fridge only to fight the STRONGEST urge to puke that I've had in a long time. It was pretty bad. It passed in about 10 minutes. I had Hubby bring me up some cheerios.

I am having the queasies again this morning, but not as strong as last night.

Woo boy. What fun!

Still pregnant.

Had an ultrasound today. The baby grew to 7 weeks and 2 days. That's exactly where it should be according to last weeks ultrasound. The heartbeat has increased from 116 to 158 which is also right on schedule. The sac is growing at a slower rate, which is somewhat troublesome. The ultrasound tech told me twice that usually that's not a good sign that it's so far behind (6 weeks 1 day, from 5 weeks 6 days). The tech was sending mixed signals. She then told me the baby growth was good and that the heartbeat was great. She reminded me of the badness of a small sac, but after dressing gave me an ultrasound image. This still baffles me. Oh, your baby is not healthy, here's a photo! LOL Oh, and we heard the heartbeat this time through a transvag ultrasound. It was so neat to hear, but such bitter sweetness...

I waited to see the doctor and just new I'd get the "This is an abnormal pregnancy" speech again with talk of impending miscarriages. Nope. Not this time. She came in and shrugged and kinda threw her hands up. She says she's cautiously optimistic and took me off restrictions! She said that any bleeding I might have would not be from activity. (Woohoo, sex and light elliptical work! It is HELL not to be able to work off nervous energy.) She is still concerned about the earlier low hcg numbers and the smallness of the sac, but this visit was definitely more upbeat from her. I told the doc I have to add to my prayers because they were answered, but I need to pray for something different. I seem to have a healthy baby that I prayed for, now I guess I need to pray for a healthy sac! Hah.

The doc apologized for the roller coaster ride. I am somewhat more optimistic because she seems to have slightly changed her tune. Scheduled another ultrasound for next Wednesday. It's back to the waiting game, but at least I don't' have to sit around doing nothing!!

P.S.
(I got what I wanted for my birthday, no bleeding or a D&C on that day!!! :)

So, what do I want for my birthday? I would like not to bleed or have a miscarriage today. Mmmkthxbye!

So, there was a heartbeat on the ultrasound. The fetal pole measured at 6 weeks 1 day, the sac 5 weeks 6 days.

The doctor still thinks it's an abnormal pregnancy. The ultrasound tech said if she didn't know that the dates and hcg numbers were off, she'd say it was a 'healthy, early pregnancy'.

Ugh.

So the waiting continues....

So I started some dark brown spotting. In a way that makes me feel better. My doc is off on Mondays (must be nice, eh?), so I'm going in for an ultrasound at the only appointment time available (2pm). Wow, this is so TMI. I'm not even sure at this point I even KNOW it's TMI when I am sharing. hah!

I feel a tad guilty that it isn't as gut wrenching as last time. I think it may be a combination of less hormones and KNOWING something bad could go wrong. The first pregnancy seemed rather blissful, like there was no way anything could go wrong, even though I was bleeding.

I am feeling very gassy at the moment like a normal period (Oh Hai, TMI). I am really hoping for a D&C now, so the testing can be done. I hope I can hold out for just a few more hours.

So, my hcg from today was 6,000. It should have been fairly close to doubled, which means around 10,000. The doc kind of annoyed me when she said "I think you knew this wasn't a normal pregnancy". Uhh, actually until the ultrasound on Tuesday I was thinking everything was hunkey dorey, despite the previous hcg tests.

So now I have to decide. Do I want to wait it out? She said she didn't have me eat or drink just so I had options. Since I'm not bleeding or in any pain, there's no need for a D&C to be required. I am leaning towards waiting until Tuesday for another ultrasound, then having the D&C. If I have the procedure, they can test for chromosomal abnormalities. It has to be a sterile sample to do so. She said it is possible that there isn't enough there to actually test.

So what do I do? She said what she didn't want to happen was what did last time. Having to go to the ER and then have a D&C that way. I really don't want a repeat and if there's something that can be tested, I want it to be. But I am leaning towards waiting? She said it's fine either way. I just don't know what to do.

I have started peeing a lot. The symptoms always really PISS me off at this point.

Ugh. Is there a friggen' manual for this shit?

I am hungry and thirsty, but have not had anything yet because I still have an hour or so to make a decision.

So, my hcg was around the 5,000 mark. Doc says things don't look that great. Of course, the nurse is the one telling me this. I go in for a STAT draw here in a few minutes. She had me not eat anything since midnight, so she could do a D&C today if need be. I am going to have to ask her what changed since Tuesday, as she seemed to be in 'wait and see' mode.

I printed out my cycle journal and am going to ask her about the ultrasound results and having a tilted uterus. Seems to be some people around the net think it may cause dating issues.

I am not sure WHAT to hope/wish for anymore.

Prayers and good thoughts always excepted.....

Maybe I should have named this journal startingbaby. I don't seem to be having any luck at growing them.

I had my ultrasound today. By period count, I should be 7weeks 1day. I measured 5weeks 4days. I know I probably ovulate later in my cycle, but it should really only be a few days off.

I don't know what to think. The doc didn't seem very optimistic. She said something about chromosomal testing, but there is so little in the uterus that there isn't really anything to test there. She said I might have to make the decision of whether to have a procedure, or to let things occur naturally.

I'm a lot more numb this time around. I'm also more angry than sad. I dunno if I can do this again.

I have an ultrasound again next Tuesday to see what's up.

I wonder what I have done to piss God off. I wonder why I am not deserving of a healthy pregnancy.

Hopefully, I will feel better once the hormones are gone from my body. The very worst part is, Buster isn't here. He was a great consoling dog. Oh wait, I put him down.

Seems like I'm doomed these past 10 months.

To make it all happy, I have started peeing every 2 hours today. Seems kinda mean if you ask me.

Did a blood draw today as well.

That's pretty much my mantra. Decided to cut Summer Session I. Have to find something to replace my Summer Session II class that was canceled. I know there are plenty of women who do it all, but I just want to relax. I'm a little more nervous this time around.

I'm still burping, really tired and occasional food aversion with nauseated side effect. I don't really 'feel' pregnant. I'm beginning to wonder if the pressure I felt in my last pregnancy was just related to the bleeding. I'm really not feeling that a whole bunch. Who knows?

First ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm really scared. I hope things are going okay in there, and I'm really glad hubby is going with me. He's not totally happy about the time away from work, but I don't care. Hah.

I was at the zoo today. I spent most of the day saying "Oh my God, what have I done to myself? I can't run after a kid. I'm so tired. How am I gonna handle this?"

I'm hoping that's hormonal, not like there's any going back now!!

I'm so friggen tired. My right hip hurts and my left knee is still bugging me. I finally got a little rest last night.

The week long diarrhea fest seems to be over. Thank the LORD!

Now I have to drag myself out in public. I just want to go back to sleep!!

Finals are keeping my mind somewhat busy. I think I'm gonna take a killer summer course just so it keeps up.

I don't feel pregnant. The pressure that was there in my last pregnancy is not. It makes me wonder if something bad is going on, or if that pressure was related to the subchorionic bleed. I am so nervous for my 6 week ultrasound on Monday.

I am chilly, but it's 68 in here. My nausea is mostly gone. Since my crappy, first results.. It seems to have vanished. I think I've experienced it like twice in the past week. I do find myself 'breathing through' something, though. I dunno if it's the cramping, the anxiety, or if I don't even know I'm nauseous because I'm so used to dealing with it. Well, WAS used to. Anxiety is a WONDERFUL thing.

I keep on thinking I am bleeding again. Turns out to be the oozy of the Progesterone suppositories. Ahh, the glamorousness of pregnancy. Hah!

One more final to go, wootwoot!

So, it doubled +. Friday's hcg level was 420. *crossing everything* My first blood test was Wednesday at 3ish, the second was Friday at 11:45ish. That's less than 48 hours for over doubling (44 hours to be exact) They didn't retest progesterone.

I am so bad at the waiting game.

Results are in. Not looking that great. My hcg is 199 which is normal for someone at 3/4 weeks. I should be more like 5.5 weeks. My progesterone level is 5.5 which is no good either. Supposed to be 11-90. Last time around it was at least 9.

Back to sticking Premetrium up the whoo-hah.

Please pray for me. I wonder if I can stay sane during all of this.

Just for the sake of recording keeping, I started having a dull ache in my lower back last night. It comes and goes. Could be related to my knee hurting and my hobbling around.

Finally stopped playing phone tag with the Doc's office. They called yesterday but hubby told me to turn the phone off as he was expecting a fax. They called about 10 min after I fell asleep and he didn't answer. He forgot to tell me they had called until 4:50pm. This blows because they close at 4:45. The Ob's nurse had me come in and get a blood draw. It wasn't a full panel, just an hcg and progesterone level. I scheduled my first ultrasound for around 8 weeks (May 13). I asked her if I should be on restriction or something and she said no. I'm still really nervous.

I am still fairly nauseated most of the time. I am crampy at times too. That really scares me. No blood, but still extra 'lubrication'. It's disconcerting as I almost always think I am bleeding. I have started to just wear a pad so I don't freak out every 5 minutes and go to the bathroom.

I am craving ham & swiss sandwiches. Not sure if it's pregnancy related or I just happen to like them now. PB&J almost always sounds good too. I got some strawberries at the store. They smell great.

I'm just wishin' and hopin' and prayin' at this point.

The nurse said she'd call me tomorrow with my lab results. Last time around my progesterone was 9 and it was supposed to be 11-90. Say a little prayer for me if you do that sort of thing..

So, it may be the fact that I am rarely up starting at 8:30am or some weird pregnancy craving, but I want coffee. I don't even LIKE coffee. It seems very appealing at the moment. I may even indulge in it, if I even HAD any coffee. I do have a coffee maker for company, but I do not stock coffee. Very interesting indeed. Oddly enough I am getting hungry too. It usually doesn't matter what time I get up in the 'morning', I usually don't want to eat for the first 5 hours or so I am up. Very strange indeed.

I still have sore breasts and nausea and now for good measure, a bit of heartburn (with new not-so-fresh scent!). I have avoided throwing up thus far. I also only slept about 3.5 hours last night. I'm not sure if that is related to pregnancy or the fact I have a 7 page paper due at 5pm that I hadn't even started on. It could very well be either one.

So, freshly showered and already 2 pages into said paper... Here I am taking an Lj break.

I am starting to feel optimistic about this pregnancy, which seems like bad joo-joo. I just need to stop worrying. I suppose I might as well enjoy the ride no matter how long it lasts.

I'm so scared. I hope that I make it 9 months and with a healthy happy baby at the end of the journey.

By my count, I figure I'm almost 5 weeks along. Gonna be a LONG wait. Hah.

So far, sore breasts and more nausea earlier than the last time around. I've been crampy here and there but no blood. I keep on thinking I'm about to start any minute, but go to the bathroom only to find a bit more lubrication than usual.

I thought I was neurotic BEFORE.

Today I have a *VERY* full, bloated feeling in my pelvis. I remember this from last time, but I thought it was later in the game. *IF* this scenario plays out, I am on CD 33. I also feel like throwing up. I dunno what that is from. I could have worried myself sick. I do notice after a BM (TMI, sorry) that I feel some relief, which makes me think gas. The fullness does not take long to come back and is exacerbated when I lean forward while sitting.

I took a test this morning, and I dunno if there really was a line? There could have been a REALLY faint one, like fainter than the previous. Now I am panicking I think. I wonder if this is all just anxiety?

I doubt the OB could fit me in tomorrow. She's always so booked. I dunno what to do. I guess we'll see how I feel come morning.

I just don't want a repeat. I'm afraid the fullness is a side effect of subchorionic bleeds. Good lord, I am jumping to conclusions, aren't I?

I've had sore breasts the last few cycles so that was nothing new. For some reason, I got a burr up my ass and tested on CD 29. No surprise, it was negative. I have usually been running 30 day cycles and today is day 31. I swear I'm keeping the pregnancy test companies in business. I see a *VERY* faint line. Hubby saw it to but says not to get my hopes up. This is the first time I've ever had an inkling of where the second line IS on a First Response Pregnancy test.

Please keep me in your prayers....

*crosses everything*

Will probably test again tomorrow.

(I've also been crying and hormonal as all get out. All signs for both pg AND aunt flo. Ugh!)

I suppose this is the one time that no news isn't good news. I'm in the middle of another cycle. Still trying!

Last month, I started my period just a few days after the previous post. I have no CLUE what is going on with my body. It was a 30 day cycle which is crazy short for me. Usually I have something around the 40 day mark.

Ahh well. I'm getting A's in school and we're off to gamble for a night. Life could be worse....